Why You Need To Meet Couples Counselor

Improved Communication
There always seems to be one person in a relationship that is simply not good at communicating their wants and needs. This often leads to misunderstandings and arguments. Instead of one partner constantly trying to figure out what is going on, a husband and wife will finally be on the same page.

A professional will work with both people to make sure that they can effectively communicate their needs and wants, and that they can understand what the other person is saying.

Decreased Risk of Divorce
Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. This statistic is startling when one considers how many couples are getting married daily. When a husband and wife see a professional regularly, they help prevent their marriage from becoming another statistic.

Counselling will help them work through problems as they arise in their relationship, make sure that they feel connected to one another and help both individuals learn the skills necessary to solve conflicts.

Learn What Makes Them Happy
Every person in a relationship assumes that they are aware of what makes their partner happy, but most people do not. Instead, they try to make their partner happy with the same things that make them happy. For example, one partner may be satisfied more with physical touch instead of words of affirmation. Because of this, they will often hug or kiss their partner, and they think this is the key to their happiness.
The partner that receives the physical touch will often appreciate and enjoy all the affection, but, because they want words of affirmation, they may not be completely satisfied with the relationship. Counselling can help uncover things like this to keep both partner’s in a relationship happy, and these lessons will last for the duration of the relationship.

Be More Empathetic
Individuals often have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. When a husband says that they no longer feel wanted and loved, for example, a wife may get defensive, and begin to state all the ways that she shows him that she loves him instead of trying to understand his feelings and work on changing her actions. This is because she feels defensive, which can make it even harder to empathise.

Seeking a professional that is experienced in working with those in relationships will help both people learn to see things from the other person’s point of view more, which can save two people from arguing, hurting each other’s feelings and more conflict.

Often, people see couples counselling as something that is done as a last resort. It is something that people in a relationship do when they are out of options, the relationship is going downhill and they do not know what to do. It is, in fact, the exact opposite. Therapists can teach people the skills that they need to maintain the happiness of their relationship, cultivate a deeper connection, and guarantee that they do not wind up with more problems that they know how to deal with.

Tips To Solved Your Conflict

When we’re in a conflict, we tend to think that the best way to resolve it is to stick with our point of view as strongly as possible. We’ve been taught that one of us is going to win and the other is going to lose, and we don’t want to be the loser. There’s often a feeling that losing means doom and so we fight desperately to keep to our position. Strangely, the reality is that this strategy doesn’t often work, especially if you’re trying to be part of a long-term relationship-be it romantic, business organization, parent-child, friend-to-friend, whatever.

What if there were a way that had a higher percentage of actually resolving problems and conflicts? There is! I learned it a long time ago. It comes from Process Work, developed by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D.-a kind of therapy I specialized in for a long time.

The “Three-Legged Stool” of Conflict Resolution

Think of a conflict as having three basic positions: my position, your position and the “objective observer” position.

In relationship conflict of any sort, your first job is to notice in which position you’re starting. Are you actually advocating for your own position-“My Position” or are you-without knowing it-advocating for the other person’s position-“Your Position” in the figure? How can you tell? Well, let’s say the conflict is between yourself and your partner about whether to buy a new car or a used car. Your partner wants a new car and you think you should save money and buy a used car. Your argument is that you need to save money for the future and for other things and that if you buy a used car, that money will still be there. In that case, you’re already in “My Position.” But if you’re saying, “I know you think buying a new car is better because it will last longer,” you’re in “Your Position,” that is, for the moment, you’re taking your partner’s point of view.Which position are you in now?

Standing for the Position You’re In

Whatever position you find yourself in, take it over as fully as you can. In the example above, “My Position” might be: “It’s important to me that we’re prudent around what we spend and take the long view. To think about our priorities, to think about what’s most important and less important.”

If you find yourself in your partner’s position, “Your Position” above, you can stand for that position: “I know you want to buy a car where you know it doesn’t have hidden problems that might end up costing a lot to repair.”

Helping the Other Person Stand for Their Side

If you find yourself in “My Position,” and you’ve stood for it, then it’s important to help the other person stand for their position, expressing it as fully as possible. You can start by asking the other person to tell you what they’re thinking or feeling. If they get stuck or are afraid they’ll get shot down, you can start them off by taking their position, as above.

Maybe your partner’s “My Position” would be: “I AM thinking about the future and about priorities! If we get a new car, it’ll last longer and we won’t have to spend money on either another car or on repairs. How about if we look into new cars, see how much they cost. And we can also think about what things we need to spend money on and make a budget.” Either you or your partner can express this position.

Anticipating the Other’s Concerns Helps with Relationship Conflict

Your partner can help her or his position by also taking your position and anticipating what your worries might be: “I know you’re worried that I might not be thinking about our future financial situation. That’s why I went through our IRA’s and our projected income for the next 10 years and have figured out what we have left over after regular monthly expenses.”

Switching Positions Helps with Conflict Resolution

With this three-position conflict resolution model (we’ll get to the third position below), you each switch back and forth between “My Position” and “Your Position,” continuing to express each position as fully as possible. You literally step in and speak as if you are your partner, and your partner steps in and speaks as if he/she is you. You each keep alternating between your own position and the other person’s position.

More and more information emerges, until the situation is deeply resolved. It’s important, when taking a position-especially the other person’s position-to really stand in the position and speak ONLY from that position. It can be tempting to be sarcastically in the other person’s position or to pretend to be in it while really coming from “My Position.” If you’re speaking from the other person’s position, really feel into it and, for the moment, speak as if you actually are the other person, or come from a place where you really relate to their position. You can do this by remembering when you’ve been in their position at some point in your life, or imagining being in it.

Objective Observer

The “Objective Observer” position can be really useful, too-for example, when you’re stuck and don’t know how to move further toward conflict resolution. You can each step outside yourselves and, in your imagination, “see” yourselves. Notice what you see and step in and be it. Maybe you notice that the “you” in front of you is feeling hurt and small. Rather than trying to counteract that and be strong, go back into yourself and really show how small and hurt you are, maybe by letting yourself cry or by rolling up into a ball, etc. Actually showing what’s going on can help, because, much of the time, we don’t see or hear each other’s messages if they’re too subtle. When we make ourselves more visible, the other person can react to what’s actually going on instead of what they imagine is going on. This often moves us toward resolution.

Using the Model For Inner Conflicts

This model works with inner conflicts as well as relationship conflict-times when you’re torn about something. First, figure out what the two polarized positions are. Notice which one you’re in right this second. Take that position strongly and deeply. Then literally step out of that position by moving your body over to face the first position. Feel into the other position and speak from it strongly and deeply. Keep going back and forth, trying to listen to each position. If you get stuck, or just need an overview, step into the Objective Observer position and notice what’s going on with each of the other positions. Then step in and-without judgment-do what you saw. This tends to help create solutions.

Why You Still Need Conflict In Your Life

Have you ever stopped to think why you respond to conflict like you do? This is not only interesting information, but very valuable information for anyone who finds conflict in their life… oh yes, that is ALL of us! I do not remember where I read this information, or I would give proper recognition, however, this is so good – I just have to share it.

What is conflict?

1. a serious disagreement or argument

2. incompatibility or at a variance; clash

What do we feel when we have conflict? We feel a range of emotions from anger, to fear, to hurt and so on.

The definition of emotion is: energy in motion

To add to that definition, emotional energy follows the path of least resistance. Where it has gone before it will go again!

Picture every emotion you have ever had. It was, indeed, energy in motion. And, we have all experienced the same emotions when we are in the midst of a conflict similar to others we have previously experienced.

Here is the part I find both fascinating and frustrating. Each time we find ourselves in a similar conflict – not only does our emotional energy follow the path of least resistance – but, each time that path is traveled the path becomes 10 times stronger! Picture a path through the grass that one person has walked down. Their may be very little evidence that the grass has even been walked on. But picture the same grass after ten people have walked on it and it is becoming quite compacted down. Picture once more that grass after one hundred people have walked on it. There is an undeniable path worn.

If we compare the grass to each time we have a particular emotional response… after just three times it has already had the equivalent of 100 people walking down that path.

It isn’t hard to see why, in the midst of conflict, we find ourselves having the same behavior, saying the same words and experiencing the same outcome.

I often respond poorly to conflict, but it is also possible to respond to conflict in better ways. Personally, I desire to turn the cycle around so that each time I experience the same, or similar conflict, the path I follow to ending (or diffusing) conflict becomes ten times easier.

Path #1

Conflict occurs

Negative emotional arousal/response

Poor result

Emotional unrest

Path #2

Conflict occurs

Positive (good/neutral) emotional arousal/response

Better result

Emotional rest

As a Christ follower, I am very aware that I am weak in my good intentions. That is why I count on God working in me to do this. I desire to change and He does the changing.

How To Eliminate Conflict With Your Partner

It’s just another day, I hate it, just another day! I get up, do my every morning thing, carry in my right hand, my coffee cup and drag myself to the car and drive to my work.

I don’t tolerate my wife to say too much because she is a “zero” and nothing else than trash can food. The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!

She is a failure anyway, so why should I listen! Live moves on day after day, after month, after year and nothing is changing. A couple of years and hopefully I’m dead, great, nobody will miss me! Whining, Whining, Whining…

No kidding, that sound like not a good relationship if you ask me, why the approach to the opposite party? A relationship is not to criticize instead help each other, lift each other, make each other feel darn good and important, as well be mindful with our thoughts.

Being on the same page with our partner is the number one requirement in order to live that united life together. We could say: “thinking and caring about each other at all time is a serious responsibility.”

Being negative towards the opposite party can create as much as being positive and will affect both our life experience. Attract the beliefs and desires from each other will create harmony in any relationship.

So, is this just another moody day and who is the moody person here, both parties might ask themselves that question. Does life exist of working, criticizing, offending, down playing, I’m much better than you, yelping? NO! With capital letters.

Our success and failures are not caused by “the world out there” but by the love, care we carry inside our heart. This is not a brain surgery neither high technology and we don’t need to spend years of psychoanalysis to find the way to respect.

A negative mindset drains your energy and create a self-perpetuating cycle of disappointments, worry, fear to fail and fear to make a mistake. The other site of the coin is that positive thinking creates hope and self believe. With a little bit of mental pushing power we should be able to control our mindset.

Let’s sit down here for a short moment and ask our self about the person who is working and working and does not believe in quality of life, so that person spend a big time of the day in a stress full environment, get ruled by the clock, the upper level authorities, appointments, customers, fighting for its own little space in the company, and much more.

Coming home late in the evening, rest for some hours and take off the next morning again is sure not enough to unwind all the stress. So let’s assume that both parties are moody the moment they are in each others neighborhood.

Here are the 15 ways to eliminate the moody moments:

You remember what I said in the beginning of this story; “The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!” Here is the answer to the problem of not being able to listen to a family member, instead simply cut off the person and depreciate that party.

Let’s wrap this up and nail some solid points down that might clear the air for both individuals:

1. Don’t try to do many things at once!

2. Prioritize, let them know, and do the essential things first!

3. Don’t take on everything yourself!

4. Learn to say politely “No”

5. Meetings should be to the point and not dragging on!

6. Going home, close the door of your job. Coming home, take your rest for some minutes, sit down, relax, rewind, think about the daily blessings and have a little talk with your partner!

7. Be an open book for your partner and don’t live a secret life created by” the life of fear to fail”

8. Don’t let the job take over your life!

9. Take your days off, take a chair and sit down somewhere you can relax and dream away without any noise around you and being bothered!

10. Force yourself to exercise on a daily base and definitely on the days off!

11. Create a hobby that grabs your attention!

12. Create a mile post of accomplishment with that hobby!

13. Learn to count your blessings in life and do NOT take everything for granted!

14. Do not answer the cell phone on your days off!

15. Fight for your own space in life and do not allow others to influence you and make a different “You” out of “You”

Here you have it, I didn’t leave any ingredient out!